


Please Don't Say You Love Me (Because I Might Not Say it Back)

by storiesofsonder



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: F/M, because that's why she always has music on, it's arguably her most important relationship and it makes me so MAD and upset, listen the nancy & mike is very briefly hINTED at but, or the LACK of noise. the TOO quiet house, tell him to study with her, that we didn't get to see it on screen at all, the sad silence, to drown out the noise, two kids growing up in a house where love is limited?, where whenever arguments happen she would distract him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 23:26:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20182468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesofsonder/pseuds/storiesofsonder
Summary: The first time he’s about to say it, she sees it in his eyes, and something leaps in her chest and catches in her throat ( like a roller coaster and she’s at the very top and it’s right before the drop. ) All she knows is they’re on a precipice, and she’s not ready to fall, not ready to get hurt ; she’s still bruised and cut up from her last war — and its ghosts have yet to leave her, dragging her awake in the middle of the night, clutching at her sheets or clawing at her own skin.OrTwo times steve Harrington tried to tell Nancy Wheeler he loves her and the one time he finally does.





	Please Don't Say You Love Me (Because I Might Not Say it Back)

  
_Please don't say you love me_   
_Because I might not say it back_   
_Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping_   
_When you look at me like that._  


❛ Hey Nance — ❜

The first time he’s about to say it, she _sees_ it in his eyes, **&** something _leaps_ in her chest **&** catches in her throat **(** like a **roller coaster** **&** she’s at the _very top_ **&** it’s _right_ before the **drop**. **)** They’re outside in front of her porch **&** he’s dropping her off, insisting on walking her to the door tonight. It’s **COLD &**, despite the **warmth** of his jacket around her frame **(** she wears them often, his _scent_ **&** the warmth both welcome. Sometimes it helps with the sleep. She doesn’t think about it too much **)** when her fingers meet warm skin, he _jumps_ a little — **&** it’s not the weather that’s left them feeling like _ice_. She can’t _imagine_ why he’d want to, especially _now_ of all times **(** she’s heard of it happening during sex, or after, but he had just called her **beautiful** **)** but right now? Right now she probably looks like a **mess** **(** she definitely _feels_ like it. **)** ❛ _Steve_ — ❜ What? What does she say? How does she **stop** it? Why does she _want_ to? ❛ Sorry I thought I … heard something **(** she almost had. **)** **&** I — ❜ she shakes her head, smiles. ❛ I just wanted to say — ❜ Now or never Nancy, **this is it**.

But she **can’t**. All she knows is they’re on a _precipice_, **&** she’s not ready to **fall**, not ready to get **hurt** **;** she’s still bruised **&** cut up from her last war — **&** its ghosts have yet to leave her, dragging her **awake** in the middle of the night, _clutching_ at her sheets or _clawing_ at her own skin **(** even her good dreams are **tainted**, the screams of delight of her best friend yelling her name leave her with **tears** on her skin **&** a pain in her chest that leaves her breathless. **)** She’s lost _too much_, barely knows who _she_ is, let alone what it is she feels. All she knows is she feels … better here. With Steve. In front of this porch. Without those three little words he wants to say. The ones every _suburban girl_ wants to hear from their boyfriend. _SCREW THAT!_ ❛ - thank you. For tonight. I had a _really_ great time. ❜ She pecks him on the cheek, swift to change the course of their conversation. She takes a step back **&** pauses. ❛ I’ll — call you? ❜

❛ Yeah — yeah call me. ❜

She’s surprised at how much _relief_ she feels, **warmth** finding its way to her fingertips.

❛ Goodnight Steve. ❜

❛ Night Nance. ❜

Except it never is, is it? Not anymore. It hasn’t been for a while now. She lays in bed, **exhausted** in a way no amount of sleep or words can explain, listening to the **lull** of her mother’s voice coming from Holly’s room.

❛_ Mommy _**_&_**_ Dad love you very much, sweetheart. _❜__

**_ I LOVE YOU_**.

She realizes she’s never heard the words spoken in their home, never **accidentally** heard a _loving_ conversation between her mom **&** dad — _has she even told Mike she loves him?_ **(** He knows, _right?_ Does he — has he told El? Or anyone else before? Is it just her? **)**

Even the **scent** lingering on the jacket she’s wearing doesn’t help the **ache** in her chest tonight, **&** eyelids don’t flutter closed until the sun rises. In fact, tonight, it makes it **worse**.

So she falls asleep with tears hot against her eyelids **&** a **bitter taste** on her tongue.

The second time, she feels it in the way his fingers tighten around hers.

It’s been a few weeks since _that night_ **&** they’re at school in the little alleyway by the field **(** where she’d first told him about Barb, where it had sort of _all started_ for her. **)** She’d needed **AIR**, feeling as if the walls around her were **closing in**, the sight of the _empty seat_ besides her own making it **painful** to breathe. She’d excused herself **&** found herself here, gasping for breath as she leaned her forehead against the brick wall, focusing on just _breathing_. She doesn’t know how **long** she’d been there **&** how much he’d seen, or how he’d even _known_ she was **here**, like this. He touches her shoulder **&** she _jumps_ in surprise before turning **&** wrapping her arms around his middle, leaning her head against his chest, breathing in everything that was so distinctly _Steve_. Too rapid heartbeat starts to find a **normal** pace **&** she lets out a little exhale but doesn’t pull back for a few beats longer.

She **forces** a smile, **&** pulls back. He lets their fingers intertwine **&** the smile on her lips doesn’t feel so forced, like a **knot** had loosened just a little in her chest **(** still there though, _always_ there. **)**

❛ How’d you know? ❜

His fingers tighten, **&** heartbeat **escalates** yet again. **No**.

She leans forward **&** presses her lips against his, drowning out the **three words** on his lips, yet _tastes_ them still **(** it **burns** her lips **&** leaves a **blazing** trail down to her chest. **)** She kisses him a little **harder**, **&** whispers a _thank you_ against his lips.

She asks to go home early that day **&** one look at _ragged_ features, **dark eyes**, too pale face **&** the school nurse agrees. Steve offers to drive her home but _he has class_, she insists. Karen Wheeler is called to pick up her daughter.

She wonders if she should say it. In the car, in the **silence** that lays thickly between them. ❛ Mom? ❜ Her mother glances at her **&** reaches out to touch her forehead. ❛ You seem fine. No fever at least. ❜

❛ Nothing. ❜

Fine.  
She’s fine.  


No **fever** at least.

❛ Thanks for picking me up. ❜

She lays in bed **&** wonders. Who was she? She sure as _hell_ wasn’t the same girl who was worried about her _3.9999_ GPA **(** lips _quirk_ at the memory. **)** She’s at home on a school day. She has a **boyfriend** she _really_ likes **(** **&** she’d **had** a friend she’d _loved_ — look what happened to **her**. **)** She likes spending time with him, likes the way she feels in his arms, the way his fingers fit in the spaces between hers, the way her head fits against his chest, the way he _knew_ where she was today, the way he came with her to the Holland home with her every week. She liked the way he said her _name_, **&** the way he’d watch her out of the corner of his eye when they were _actually_ studying when he thought she was **engrossed** in her notes.

But she also needed to be **ANGRY**, needed to _SCREAM_, needed to get _justice_ for her friend, needed to **do something** because her mom **&** everyone else might _think_ she’s fine but **SHE’S NOT & IT’S BULLSHIT**. She hasn’t slept **&** when she does she has **nightmares**. She sees _ghosts_ when she’s awake **&** she’s **lying_ all the time_**. Where does the soft Nancy from before end **&** where does whoever she left behind _begin_? Or did she **die** all together? How does she sit at that table with **Barbara’s _parents_** **&** _smile?_ **(** Easy — she **cries** in the bathroom, or when Steve drops her home. **)** How does she _pretend_ that everything that had happened _hadn’t?_ That she hadn’t been in the — the **Upside Down** **&** part of her never really left? How she’d been there _minutes_ **&** Will **&** Barb _days_ **(** Barbara will be there **forever?** **)**

She is a **liar**. She lies to Mike, she lies to her mother, her father, _everyone_. She lies almost every time she **smiles**, **&** —  


she doesn’t want to **lie to Steve**.  


If he says the words, the ones she tastes so **bitterly** on her lips still, she doesn’t know if she can say them back, if she should.

  
_Love?_  


She barely knows if she’s _okay_ **&** if she isn’t, does that mean she **doesn’t** love him?

**&** if he makes it better, if her heart does that _thing_ it does when she sees him, does that change anything?

If she doesn’t say them **back**, what then?

She turns her head **&** buries her face in her pillows with a sigh that’s more like a groan. Eyes shut **&** she whispers them. The words are **foreign**, they don’t **belong** in the Wheeler household with the _perfect nuclear family_.

She falls asleep whispering it _over _**_&_**_ over_, trying it out, yet the more she says it, the more it starts to sound like **something else**.

The third time, she doesn’t see it coming. 

They’re studying in her room **&** he’s sprawled out on her bed with notes strewn about him. She’s at her desk, all her focus on a problem **&** why she can’t seem to get the right answer, even though she’s so _close_. Brows are furrowed, pencil pressed to her lips as she scans the paper yet again.

❛ I love you. ❜

She **stills**, every muscle in her body **freezes**.

She waits a heartbeat, _two_. She remembers the words she’d tried out in this very room on that very bed. ❛ Nance — ❜

❛ Me too. ❜

**&** the more she says it, the more it starts to sound like something else.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know your thoughts! Title of the work and italicized lyrics come from Gabrielle Aplin's Please Don't Say You Love Me.
> 
> Basically, I don't think Nancy lied. I think she's never seen love. Not in her household. She's never heard it. She doesn't know what to call what she feels when she feels it. And even for someone who is familiar with love and in a loving home, saying I love you is HARD. Now pair that with the guilt and agony and everything she's dealing with while also lying to Barbara's family + her own family. Like, she loved Barb, no doubt there. Look how well that turned out. There's that negativity that she links with her love. She loves Mike but that's different. Love? Nancy Wheeler vc: idk her. I know trauma and nightmares and guilt and BULLSHIT. Love? Also, are you telling me a normal teenage girl, forget a traumatized one, has never said I love you THINKING they meant it only to realize they didn't? Or they don't KNOW if they do? Because with Nancy, I don't think she didn't. I don't think she KNOWS and as we've seen with Nancy, she has to know EVERYTHING before she jumps into anything. All the facts, all the preparations she can make. Which is why Steve was so different and nice. That wasn't prepared or planned. She could never have planned it. We even see it when she wants to face the monster in season one - she gathers info and weapons and everything she possibly can before going ok let's kill it. Except love isn't a battle anyone can prepare for.


End file.
